Friday, November 20, 2015

REMEMBERING TO FORGIVE! and thanks to Sperm Donor #513

A day to share with others, no matter what, and a day, like all days to be sure that all are forgiven!  That's what today is for me! -- as 2014 draws to a close, and as 2015 draws near closure I want all who have ever crossed my path to know that they are forgiven!  --Anything that has ever been done to me, for whatever reason: all is forgiven! because "language matters" --language of what we say, don't say! --language of how we hurt, heal, soothe; language of how we touch, how we interact, how we believe, how we praise, how we denounce, how we live, blame, 

--I don't want this day, this moment this season to end without my spreading forgiveness to all! --including (and especially Charles Jones: a reason for my spiraling): I  forgive him for being the first man to get me pregnant without my permission, without my consent; I forgive him for all of that; I forgive his brother Gregory, for introducing me to Charles, his older brother; I forgive them all.  I forgive Blondell; I forgive Everest Tucker, I forgive Michelle who I hope will have a good life without me. I will no longer pretend to be her mother, she has a living mother.  I forgive Dennis, a son  who I hope will also forgive me, no matter how or why he became a son, first baby I got to  raise as my own; my ex-spouse felt adoption would be "fair", neither one of us related; but I do point out that he was related to his niece, and that was a disastrous period of my life. I still wanted  to have a baby of my own, and I could, still wanted to experience pregnancy, and I did; thanks to a generous sperm donor.

Though he is nameless, I thank him so much for what he did, Donor 513, via Fairfax Cryobank: thank you very much.  If my son has siblings, they are all through you. All I know is that he sis Bangladeshi, and free of AIDS, all my ex-husband said to me, "Didn't I consider AIDS?"   This is my gratitude right here.  Though you don't know him, the son I had through you is marvelous in every way.. Perhaps someday you will meet.  He was born in the summer of 1991... I became pregnant in 1990 through Boston IVF, in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

                                                       first photo of my son

                                       Thylias enjoying the last weeks of pregnancy,
                                         North Andover, Massachusetts, 1991
My ex-spouse forbade me from pursuing this unique pleasure, sought to deny me the opportunity to be pregnant because he couldn't accept his own infertility.  He must come to terms with whatever life brings.  I do not chose to have MS, but have accepted it....My physiological functioning is miraculous to be sure.  I survived an aneurysm rupture which also led to dissolution of the marriage, and while as a single woman, I haven't always made the best choices, I still like being single for the first time as an adult. Love will happen; I am not worried about that.

My ex-spouse couldn't deal with his own infertility, and took it out on me.  I forgive LT Randle, I forgive Dothlyn Smith, (for intruding into my  marriage), I forgive my ex-spouse who permitted , who wanted the intrusion of Ms. Smith into the marriage, and who lied that he ever fathered any pregnancies of mine --he fathered none.  I speak only the truth. --sorry if I didn't mention you by name --but you are in fact forgiven!

--Without becoming a doormat, I still forgive so many, all --and I hold no grudge; All are absolved
--I carry into 2015 none of what has happened to me  during my 60 years...

I am living a new life now, full of the challenges and unknowns of any life.  Mine is no different. This will be the last time that I need mention any of this.  Chapter is closed.  I will not be writing a memooir about being married.  I was much too young, a teenager.  and it's over now...
                                 New chapter in progress...

Girls, please try to avoid my mistakes.  On this day in the fall of 2015, I am 61, and here to tell you that there is joy beyond youth.

                                          Thylias now, age 61, the glow of joy beyond youth.

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