Friday, March 28, 2014

Remembering -and looking forward


I don't want to remember, yet I do; I'd rather be asleep --as if I've eaten something incompatible with my system.  Something I can't digest --though I've had many years to get used to it.

I'm recalling --though I don't want to-- THE DAY when my deceased ex-father-in-law said I wasn't a "real mother" because I'd adopted my children, one of whom was his niece --didn't matter to him (he also didn't come to my wedding, for which I made all dresses in the wedding party except my wedding gown) ....  Clearly the way he defined "what constituted "real" differed extremely from ways in which I defined "real" / "realities"....  So what was the equivalent of a "real" mother?

Evidently, a child had to grow in your own womb --not sure how he felt about implanted embryos or surrogates when a womb was insubstantial or unavailable, sill producing viable eggs despite a hysterectomy, for instance.  And I was "real" enough, standing right in front of him on his porch, beside his son --to whom I was married --and even then we knew, although my then-spouse remained silent; we knew that it wasn't "my" fault --not that childlessness must endure "blame" --how embarrassing for my spouse at the time, to have to admit that "HE" WAS THE REASON FOR THE CHILDLESSNESS of the marriage! --yet every doctor visited always ASSUMED THAT I WAS THE REASON! --but I wasn't, having been raped when I was fifteen, and getting pregnant from that rape (I knew I could get pregnant) --didn't have that baby --just as I shouldn't have, despite those children of rape who managed to grow up without (visible) scars of their conception (and I shouldn't have had that baby.... I was much too young, and would have changed my life significantly, I imagine --can't say for sure since I didn't take that route of being a teenager (would have been 16 when that child would have been born; was craving popcorn when my pregnancy could no longer be hidden at home... never talked about this! --never said a word! --completely altered my behavior at school... I started sitting in the backs of classrooms, and said nothing! --absolutely nothing! --was pushed through corridors by movements of crowds; grades plummeted  --didn't matter to me how I performed! --I recalled how I'd done nothing to try to stop this older man, deacon at my mother's church, from violating me! --he was 25, I was 15!

But there I was, standing beside the man (age 23) who met me when I was still 16, just weeks after a third-trimester abortion in New York State, where it was legal in 1970... Of course, he's stated that he did nothing wrong, nothing for which he had no permission; I consented to everything, one way or another... developed a dependence on him, similar, perhaps, to those who begin to "love" their jailers, their captors.... Anyway, I was in another situation over which I had no control.... Even married him....

After a few years of marriage my ex-spouse was certainly aware that he was the one unable to procreate, despite what doctors seemed to think, as I was consistently the one "blamed" for the childless marriage --so we adopted children and became a family instead of a couple, first his niece (when she was seven, because her mother, [as did her mother's identical twin sister [[reminds me a bit --though an entirely different case-- of the Gibbons sisters of "Silent Twins"]] my ex-spouse's sister (as did her identical twin),  lost custody of her five children for neglect), then in an attempt to appease me, a son, first baby I ever held and was allowed to bring home as my own!.... We had those two children with us when my ex-father-in-law told me that I wasn't a "real" mother..... And my ex-spouse could have said something then, but didn't to his father --who also didn't come to the wedding.... Allowed me to be the one responsible.... But by then, we knew! --after visits to so many fertility clinics --he was told that he'd unlikely (not "impossible" as he continued to mention) father a biological child... We tried in vitro fertilization three times ($10,000.00 each attempt, to no avail; just a lot of injections I had to take to ripen eggs sooner, and in a quantity large enough for harvesting.  No success.  I, of course, was getting older, and by then we lived in Massachusetts.... But not, according to my ex-spouse, "too old" --I could have waited; "all it took  was one sperm!" he insisted, and he had at least one as I grew older and older by the minute....  But his few million sperm needed to be healthy, motile and not misshapen, needed to be active and able to penetrate the egg...   They couldn't. Not even in a Petri dish where the sperm didn't have to swim very far to get to the egg....

But how could he know this until a partner failed to conceive, failed to become pregnant?

I hesitate to mention it, but that adoption of the niece was disastrous; she was seven when we adopted her --to keep her in the family; --we were asked if we would take a child, and I said the youngest, knowing the role of age of the child in which interventions are attempted; I thought that we might have a chance with only the youngest; she was seven, beyond the age when influence in our Massachusetts home, wealthy pocket some 23 miles north of Boston could exert significant changes in her and her life, after she accompanied me in my second year of graduate study to Durham New Hampshire, right after she came to live with us, and when she was eight, stole money from the teacher's purse. January.

It was winter, and NEW HAMPSHIRE SNOW fell prodigiously.  Here and there were animal tracks like forks, and hoarfrost patterns on windows that my cheeks tried to pilfer, pressed against these panes. Loved the spray when wind stirred up the powdery snow, twirled it and released it so that it fell again rather lacy.  I couldn't wait to make bootprints. NEW HAMPSHIRE SNOW.

Durham was a wonderful small town, and our niece (so that she'd remain in the family when her mother --whose identical twin also lost custody of her children, for similar reasons of neglect-- lost custody and the children were removed from the home) was there stealing money.  I read to her daily, and she performed okay in the Oyster River Schools (other than stealing the money)... What a change this way of life was for her; if we were in touch, I'd ask her how it felt to live in New Hampshire.... What did she think of the mountains? of Franconia Notch, and the Old Man of the Mountain?  Did this environment have the effect on her life that I'd hoped it would? What was it like for her to live on a college campus? --to eat in the dining hall? --to watch me study and also teach? (I was a TA). She moved with us, of course to Andover Massachusetts where I worked at Phillips Academy right after grad school --that's when problems really escalated.... she discovered boys --started staying out all night with them --but couldn't take advantage of the tuition reduction! --we would only have had to pay 10% of tuition [10% of about $20,000.00] had she been able scholastically, intellectually, and emotionally to attend PA --however, having missed those first eight (including nine month of pregnancy, so roughly another year), meant that any influence of these new --and wealthy!-- in the space of PA environments didn't change her enough to allow her to take advantage of all that the northern Massachusetts setting had to offer....

Better to have made a total break.  She will never be part of my life again.

She was twelve when she started running away.... and twelve when police brought her back.  She began running away every weekend, and I resorted to locking the door to her room to try to keep her there, but that proved ineffective as she climbed out the window in order to run away! --initially from Andover, Massachusetts to Lawrence, Massachusetts; this occurred for years! --until she was 17, when she ran away for the last time, back to the state in which she'd lived before the attempted rescue via adoption! --I grew weary of all this running away! --quite a paper trail evolved! --a each time the police became involved, a record was kept! --I'd never been involved with the police! --they became like members of the family! --when she ran away for what was the last time, she told authorities in that mid-western state that we'd put her out, but this wasn't true, of course (she was also a pathological liar, and had been for years); by then; had to hire a lawyer in the state to which she ran, but we had extensive documentation, from the police, and this lawyer said that he'd never seen documentation as extensive as what I had, so when he presented this evidence in court, the judge was impressed, and rescinded the adoption!  I couldn't travel because I was pregnant --after my ex-spouse announced that: if he couldn't have children, then neither could I! --I was almost  thirty-seven and nearing an age when it wouldn't be optimal for my body to try to sustain a pregnancy; fertility would decline, and I also knew that I could get pregnant, so for a full year before executing my plan I prepared my body for a new life! --I was ready, no longer a teenager, and quite accomplished, having published several volumes of poetry and having won several awards, which PA didn't require, but the private high school had only minors attending, including the son of Dick Gregory (Yohance Gregory), Patrick Kennedy, younger half-brother of Sade --Soji Adu, and a middle-eastern Princess, I was told,  whose parents sent her to PA to escape various situations, and the age of these minors, meant that they required 24/7 care, and the "best" housing --all provided by PA was in dormitories, so taking a dorm was advised! --if you wanted prime housing, huge houses --head "master" resided in a while mansion in the center of campus --and we slaves resided in lesser accommodations

--while I was at PA, my final year there, I had six job offers to six different universities, including the University of New Hampshire where I'd been a graduate student... This seemed extraordinary to me! One job offer came from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, an offer I accepted, after the contract was re-written to give my then spouse a job, as I refused to come unless he was also employed, so a job was "created" for him! --I spoke up, although he didn't as we stood on that porch....

I had to delay my start at the University of Michigan because I was pregnant, and there was no problem with the delay... As I said earlier, I became concerned when my then-spouse announced that if he couldn't have children, then neither could I! As I lived only about 23 miles north of Boston/Cambridge, and as I'd prepared my body for a pregnancy, I realized I was in an ideal location for a sperm donor.  To appease me, my then spouse agreed that adopting another child, a baby would be fine, and made us equal, as neither one of us would be related to that infant; so that's what happened.... We adopted a baby, a healthy baby from Massachusetts, the other child that my ex-spouse's father referred to when he announced that I wasn't a "real" mother...

--If other players here tell this story, they can't possibly offer MY point of view! --only their own! --which can't be like mine. This healthy boy has grown into a man, and he's innocent of all of this! --he was just a baby, and had no input into what was happening.... He didn't know until he was an adult that he was adopted at all... But this was information he needed to have.  He was born to a teenage girl in Boston; she was the age I would have been had I actually had the baby from my first pregnancy from the rape.  Perhaps the way I told him he was adopted wasn't the best way, but he did need to be told, since he hadn't figured it out.  So much deception in this small family... I'm sorry for everything I did wrong... Except for getting pregnant a second time and actually having that baby! --something I had to do, and time was running out.  I hope that he understands my situation also... Point of view is about all we have, and this is mine; presented from my perspective --just as valid as any other.  I mean no hard feelings for anyone--

But I was as real as anyone!

But I did want to pass on some of the genetic bounty I'd received, in classes for the for the gifted since first grade, the enrichment program, initially, then major work for the "super-gifted" (4th grade - 12th grade; for which I had to be sent for testing by staff psychologists), --the only way to pass along these intellectual gifts was to have a biological child! --and my father was a mixed race man, mostly Cherokee (as I've been told) --I wanted to pass on that heritage also! he died in 1980, the year before I graduated first in my class and Phi Beta Kappa from Oberlin! --graduated with a 4.11 GPA, lowest grade was in an English class, an "A-", so I took English to be my relative weakness; only class in which I didn't attain a ceiling; in every other class, I met expectations, so I focused on English in graduate school.... and filled the space that the "-" created with "limited fork theory"! --how I made "senses" of existences! and (ultimately) movie poams --including: Particle Popping and  Digging on the Muon Blues

And I was getting older; I didn't have much time left! --I was 36, and my eggs were getting older by the minute, and I didn't want to risk having a child that suffered because of advanced maternal age... I had to act quickly, despite the edit from my ex-spouse that: "IF I CAN'T HAVE A CHILD, THEN NEITHER CAN YOU! --I had to act or pregnancy never would have happened; would have been an extinction (there will be anyway; humans won't always be around --and the world keeps changing, pollution and so forth  --human aggression, and perhaps another mass extinction via comet?--unless we destroy ourselves)

Egg quality matters!

But first, I had to be raped, and I had to have a third-trimester abortion, and I had to get married, and I had to adopt children, and I had to become pregnant by choice, going to a fertility clinic in Cambridge, Massachusetts, after being told that if my then-spouse that if he couldn't have children, then neither could I, as that wouldn't be fair; baby related to me,  but not him! --as if I was related to his niece! --I'm not, and her mother, my ex's sister is alive! ---Nor am I going to pretend to be anyone's grandmother or great grandmother-- I don't even know that child; not my responsibility... The biological grandmother and great-grandmother, the same woman, is ALIVE! forge a relationship with her before it's too late.

my father

                                                           my paternal grandfather

I also had a need to pass on some of what I considered genetic bounty, and my father (source) was already dead! --I could only pass on some of what I'd received if I had a baby myself! --and I was ready! -- my body was optimized for pregnancy! --and most sperm donors are college students, and being near --23 miles!-- Harvard Square put me right by Harvard university and MIT! (most sperm donors are college students, so my location was ideal! --for this indiscretion, that gave me what I almost didn't get to have)--how ideal! --I left the fertility clinic in Cambridge pregnant! --one visit! --I was told that a "good" sample made an enormous differenceI was there only about a half hour.   I think that conception happened as I drove home to Andover..  and began a routine of talking to my baby, singing to my baby, reading everything, in multiple languages to my baby! --English, Spanish, and French! --eating mostly fish and uncooked vegetables  from Bread and Circus! --playing a variety of music for my baby!

--how different this was from when I was fifteen!

                                                        first photo of my son

Everything was fine! --pregnancy was going smoothly! --I loved every minute!

Then I started having preterm labor! (for which I was given Brethine, form of Terbutaline --so successful that my baby was born two weeks late, huge thanks to Donor #513, and Fairfax Cryobank; two nights before his birth, I ate at Legal Seafoods, Arctic Char, and plenty of vegetables, large salad --undressed--so was put on complete bed rest, and a bill form the fertility clinic came to our Andover, Massachusetts home, a bill they my then spouse brought in and discovered that he wasn't the biological father of my unborn child.... All he said to me was: "Didn't I consider AIDS?" --I had more chance of contracting AIDS from him (just a bit of a philanderer) than I had from the fertility clinic, as donors are very well screened! --certified free of disease and genetic disorder! --well-scrutinized! --so my ex-spouse always knew that he wasn't the biological father, and I had the baby I wanted to have....

A tasty meal indeed!

Of course I was in love (eventually; fluctuated between love of my captor Stockholm syndrome and, guess I really don't know what "true love" is like. 

Maybe I'll find out now; first time that I'll really choose a man instead of a man choosing himself for me.... --I'd never been with a man --other than the rapist.  (and now --then-- I was with a statutory rapist,

Everything was new to me, especially touching, as it will be with a new man, as it has already been with a new man... I do like that; I liked to touch  to be touched back... and here;s a little example, me reading performing a poem: "Higginson Matters", a text version will be in my forthcoming book of New and Selected Poetry": "Wannabe Hochie Mama Gallery of Realties' Red Dress Code", Persea Books, Fall 2016

Took me a long time, to reach this, but I did reach it. And this poem is reaching other points, for how long who knows? --but so exciting to try to reach them! At least I had a chance to know what it's like to be desired, to be told how pretty and beautiful I am, by a man who made me believe it, and was such a perfect lover! --even if only one time, I now can say that I know what it's like to be totally desired! --I had to be 60-years-old before I found out, but let me tell you, I really found out! 

I hope that every woman finds her Higginson at least once in a lifetime; who doesn't deserve to know something as wondrous as this?

And I'm so very glad I did! --pleasure that had been only rumors, but now I know, and if only once in my life, this happened!

Me now:

                                                 Thylias Moss now, September 2015

My ex-spouse says he was quite popular when he was in the military and had at least 50 girlfriends, probably cheated on them also. I wouldn't know, and hardly matters now... I'm saying this only because this  was what  my ex denied, what he wanted covered up for the sake of his manhood... Seemed to care very little about the TRUTH.
When I was 17,  still a baby --and victim of statutory rape-- I tore up all their pictures 
(I wouldn't do that now --it's just that he seemed so proud of them, but since he had me,
 I reasoned that he didn't need them, a childish thing to do --he says he was even engaged to one of them.

He seemed to prefer lighter complexioned mixed women, and he said that women seemed to like him also... quite a bit.   That's what made it so puzzling when I found out two weeks after the wedding --we were already "legally" married, had been so for almost two months --so technically, this was adultery;
but two weeks after the wedding, I discovered he'd been having an affair for nearly two years,
with someone much more dark-complexioned than me, someone I didn't think he'd ever marry --of course not, he married me! --someone not his type, based on appearance, just someone to f**k, and not bring home, exclusively in the dark - so they'd both blend in!

(how cruel of me to say, as if this still bothers me)

--I discovered this affair quite innocently; I'd called him to invite him home for lunch, and he wasn't there....

He'd gone to see her, meeting her --she was at the door, dressed only in birth control --that she didn't know she didn't need-- lunch of sex!

--that's also why I was inviting him home for lunch! --I really had prepared some food, then I was going to feed him something else, even more substantial
more lasting on all of his  palettes... (except the one for paramours)

--but I was ready when he came home with his grandfather!

--I confronted him with evidence, letters from this Island girl--her promises of undying love. That Island Girl.. That Island Girl also...  Mistress from the West Indies, but quite Africanized (as typically understood, even if incorrectly). 
And her signed photo, with messages of undying love 
written on the back, 
her promise that she'd always be available (not true; 
she's moved on with her life,and is no longer available to him 
--not that he's looking for her or for anyone)
would always love him [recently found her on Facebook, 
and didn't friend her, 
but told her--in a private message-- I had no hard feelings...

(guess I was just wondering how she looked now, 
and what a confirmation I received.... 
(ouch! --of my own looks) --she's even less his type now....
--well, he didn't frame it or leave it sitting out in the open; I really had to dig to find it... 
and I do wonder how long this affair would have continued, and I wonder 
how much other philandering might have occurred had I not found this stuff, 
this secret stash?

She was more than willing to offer herself exclusively for sex...

(not really trying to rationalize all this; 
just want some perspective
as I move on, and I am moving on... 
Post-menopausal, so no more biological babies for me.
I mean no harm to my adopted children, both now adults 
and as happy as they can be
Under these strained circumstances.  

Truth, from my perspective, isn't necessarily pretty, 
but it is some truth! 
--I owe all of us some truth!

More truth:
Pity that I couldn't give my biological son a sibling; 
no way could I repeat 
what I did in order to have him...
No idea how many siblings he might have from the donor.... 
Sure that all of this has wrecked his sense of family....

None of us are perfect! Well, 
all of us are are "perfectly" what we are...
--I'm sure that my biological and adopted children 
have things they'd change about themselves if they could....
when they can: we're all in progress
not finished as long as we live, and even then, disintegrate 
and becoming feasts for microbes that are making their living, 
doing what microbes do... (Yes; I enjoyed CSI, among other things, 
and various books about anatomical fodder --after all, 
humans are part of animal systems 
on this planet 
and are as edible as anything else that is or becomes edible 
--there's much that can be ingested 
whether or not it's nutritious, or even designated as food).

My point here is to talk only about what I'm remembering 
and connecting to --temporarily-- none of this is permanent 
via, quite fallible, systems of memory....
Mentioning others only as I must.
Just dressing some of my open wounds.... Just being myself, 
less restricted than I've ever been.... 
but still within (my) limits which keep shifting 
--especially with the MS.


Getting back to a remembering marriage track:

What a fantastic brouhaha! --I was livid! How dare he do this! --two years of this! --didn't matter how "pretty" I might have been at nineteen! --"beautiful bride"
Moxie Supper the teenage bride (Thylias Moss)

--Ostensibly at first to help her in school; he could never be of help to me in school; I needed no assistance with my studies! 
--he was my sexual tutor many years ago, but never my intellectual tutor or suitor.

--but would I accept this now? No; Hell no!

Then I asked him to leave, and he met me at the Rapid Transit station in Higbee's every
day for two weeks with roses, roses!

--What exceptional roses they had to be! --olfactory stimulation persuaded me to relent....

I want that perfume now!  
to use for someone else.  Move forward, dance with someone else! --not someone so unable to accept his infertility, that he continues to lie  to his family, but such lying doesn't alter the Fact! --THERE IS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION BETWEEN MY EX AND MY SON! --NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION AT ALL BETWEEN THE MOSS FAMILY AND ME: THYLIAS MOSS, "moss", a name I acquired in marriage...   name I've had for 42 years, my "legal" name, all of my books were written by Thylias Moss: most recently: Tokyo Butter published by Persea Books in 2007, cover is a USB microscope image I took of a rose from my first cousin funeral, says "Dierdre" in the collection, but my cousin's actual name was Hilda.  I still miss her; the closest I ever had as a sister... Her birthday was/is 25 November 1953.

and then I relented, welcomed him back home, and remained married for 40 years. But now I'm out of that and all those lies! --that he fathered four more pregnancies with me, that all ended in miscarriage!  Completely untrue! only two pregnancies in y life --the first when I was 15, conceived as a consequence of rape, and the second when I was thirty-six and determined to have a  sperm donor biological father, a man more like me, a man with a graduate degree, a man who reads books, a man who offers me much more than I had in my marriage...

Win some, lose some, and keep on going!

Just a dose of ever-evolving perspective...
Necessary to update my views --not apologize for them,
for this is what happened, from the point of view I had
when I awakened in the hospital from the rupture of a cranial
aneurysm --may look a bit different tomorrow,
what I don;t accept are the lies! the claiming to be the biological father
of my only biological child, that I almost didn't get to have because of him!

He didn't dance with me at my prom, he took me; I was only 17, and he didn't dance with me at the wedding either and here's how I looked for the prom:

                                                          I could have danced!

But as a blog is a single continuous page; there's room to state whatever
emerges, and those alluded to here remain free to express their own points
of view --I don't expect those involved (to be able) to view
these events as I do,
but they happened....

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